Diary of a Hamster
I wrote this when I was a teenager, I think it was that long ago anyway, your memory tends to play tricks on you when your approaching 30. Although if your reading this after August 2002 I already have. :o
Still seems funny to me, even after all these years. It sums up what every hamster owner knows best, that these little buggers enjoy one thing above all else, making noise.
Now On With the Show...
Note that this wasn't really written by a hamster, because keyboards aren't nearly noisy enough playthings for the likes of them to be interested in.
Thursday 7th November
Surroundings changed today! Got woken up at 3 O’clock again. Got poked around by a snotty nosed kid again. Been dragged out of home and into a cardboard box, not sure I like the variety.
In my new home, why the hell don’t they make them square anymore. Can't seem to find a corner to urinate in at the moment, but there is a nice glass jam jar in here which will do for now.
After much hiking around, I've found what is apparently somewhere to sleep. It's very comfortable, full of soft white material which I fully intend to decorate with my faeces. Only snag is dragging myself up a long tube in order to get there, can see this being a problem when I'm tired.
Friday 8th November
That big long tube up to the sleeping quarters is annoying me. Not knackering myself climbing up there every night so I filled my pouches up and took the bedding down to the basement.
Discovered the wheel. Didn't make much noise so I chewed the bars instead. I like my new home. Very noisy. Snotty kid tried to pick me up. Bit him. Not very noisy but it made him jump.
Saturday 9th November
Wheel has developed a squeak, started to use it. Makes a really loud whine like an air raid siren when I run fast enough. Woke kid up. He tried to stroke me again. Bit him. Didn’t jump but very noisy. I think I’ll be trying that again soon.
Also, there appears to be a white block on one of the floors, and it tastes of salt. I don't know why this is here, it isn't noisy, it doesn't taste very nice and just makes me thirsty. I'll ignore it from now on I think.
Sunday 10th November
Got caught unawares, snotty kid put me into some sort of a ball before I could bite him. Everything looked even more blurred than usual, so I decided to stay still until he put me back.
Bloody kid pushed the ball around didn't he, I had to run just to stay upright, not happy about this. So I took a dump and squeezed the result through one of these slits in the ball thing and rolled it into his carpet.
I don't believe this, when he put me back in my home, the bed had been moved back to the top again! Oh well, another night spent taking the whole thing down to the basement.
Monday 11th November
Snotty kid offered me a sunflower seed through the bars today, so I took the seed and bit him before he could remove his hand. The wheel seems to have lost its squeak, and gained an oily taste in the middle for some reason. Loosing interest with it, going to chew the bars tonight instead.
Tuesday 12th November
Got woken up, and once again before I could react, found myself in that retched ball thing. Though this time, I managed to make a nice clanging noise by banging it against a radiator. Kept that up for about ten minutes, then was put back into my home.
Decided the furniture needed moving around a bit, the glass jar was particularly noisy when it hit the side walls, so I moved that around the most.
Wednesday 13th November
Escaped! Snotty kid left lid off while he refilled my feeding bowl. I jumped onto the glass jar and then out, bit his ankle for good measure (very, very noisy) and ran for a hole in the floorboards. Met a family of mice who kindly took me into their home and killed me. Went to heaven. Met a bloke called God. Noisy voice. My kinda guy!